My husband keeps ruining my birthday, how do I tell him without starting a fight

It is my (41f) birthday. Today. My husband (49m) of 19 years can be an *******, I don?t need anyone to tell me that. His ****ty behavior is few and far between though, most of the time we get along, love each other, sex is great and fairly frequent, he is very unselfish in bed, cleans up around the house, ready to jump in and do whatever needs to get done with the kids. Generally a good husband with some bad qualities. The problem arises when we try to resolve conflict and he is extremely defensive to the point it?s aggressive. Hence my post. Last year on my birthday, I didn?t ?tell him clearly enough? what I wanted him to do while we planned the evening, he ended up snapping at me then refusing to speak to me, and I ended up crying-driving myself and our kids to the trampoline park. (That?s where I wanted to go. I love it:) He doesn?t.) This year I was clear- I said I wanted to do the pool or another type adventure park by us, think Dave and Busters but also with a zip line. He said oh no, don?t plan anything, he has a surprise! While I was out running a quick errand with my daughter today, he told me to come home because the surprise was almost there.
It was that he invited my mother over for the day.
My mother and I aren?t close. She is emotionally cold and distant to the point she can be rude to me, and he knows our relationship is unfulfilling at best and disappointing at worst. She will sometimes just pretend I?m not speaking and start talking to someone else while I am mid sentence. We don?t spend time together, and my husband doesn?t particularly like her either.
And so far he has spent the day giving us 20 minutes at the table having cake, then he went in our hot tub- alone- now he?s downstairs playing some video games. I am stuck here with my mom who will probably stay until bedtime. I feel like my day is ruined again, I?m seething mad. In all fairness to him, he bought me flowers and several pieces of coach jewelry, even though I don?t wear jewelry which he knows. I feel like he threw money at it, invited my mom to babysit me, so now he can do what he wants. How do I bring this up without causing a raging argument? I feel angry and overlooked, I feel like I was ?handled? and then bailed on. Please give me some blueprint for how to handle this.
Tl;dr My husband tries to do my birthday his way, somehow escapes the day to do something else, doesn?t listen to what I want and it ends in tears. I want to broach the subject without it seeming like an attack.


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