Me(39M) and wife (38F) together 19 years recently found out that she has never really found me attractive.

So I had recently brought up an old conversation of why my wife has never initiated any intimacy or never really touches me in a lustful manner, and other such issues. We have scheduled sex once a week and this has been the case since about a year into our relationship. I never get any compliments on my appearance from her either, unless I am fishing.
Drinking loosens her up a bit. But I never realised that this was linked to her having to put on beer goggles.
I have always felt this was missing, but recently brought it up again and wouldn't let the convo die this time. Maybe because I really needed to know this time or wanted things to change. Call it my midlife crisis.
Many of these things got said because I asked, not because she was being mean. She has even tried to blame anger on some of her responses. Only problem is that she wasn't actually angry when she said these things.
So most of what she has told me is that:

• She thought/thinks I was/am the least physically attractive partner she had ever dated when we first started dating. Still maintains I am her "type".
• She thinks of herself as the more attractive partner.
• She didn't like that I was hairy, but never said anything either.
• She didn't have that initial chemistry with me. (We met in a pub and spent the entire evening chatting/drinking and then had sex that same night, have been joined at the hip since then).
• She doesn't think that I am objectively attractive, "I should know this myself as I know what I look like".
• She lost more attraction to me when I put some weight on after the age of 35 (about 20 pounds). I have lost this and more since. Currently in really good shape.
• She lost some attraction after arguments. We have been together close to 20 years so arguments are inevitable. Most get resolved somewhat if it is a me issue. If the issue is on her part, then she will stonewall me until I stop talking about it.

Problem is that I used to get entirely the opposite impression from her when we first started dating. We were madly in love and I genuinely thought of us as an attractive couple. We used to get so many compliments from others. People thought of us as a really good couple and match.
I also had a lot of girls interested in me before I met her and some of these girls would complement me on my looks. Not trying to brag, just that I had an image of thinking I was as an attractive guy. So I never imagined there was anything missing on my part. Girls, even mutual friends, would hit on me when we were out together. I would blow them off, but nobody thought we were a mismatch. The odd comment in that regard, but as we are an interracial couple I always blew it off as low key racism.
I have never ever compared her to my exes in my head. She has always been the most beautiful girl for me and that is it.
She sees this as a me problem that has gotten out of hand. She has told me that it wouldn't matter to her if it was the other way around.
She obviously doesn't care about her exes or thinks about these things anymore. She is just comfortable with her life and wants nothing to change.
I want change as I realise that she has had more to give all along.
My issue now is that this has re written the past that I thought we had together and it has gotten me very depressed. I can't help but feel down, and keep on flip flopping between loving her and wanting to leave. I think I am hysterical bonding, but can't help it. I feel the need to prove my worth (physically), but cant do anything to change the past.
I guess I need to find a way to get over this, but can't. Starting to feel resentful and I don't want to do that to my family. The depression is also hurting my day to day life as I don't feel motivated to do anything at all.
I understand that to some this might seem unimportant, but for me it was a large part of my fantastic romantic history. I felt always like I really lucked out and succeeded on that side of life. Now I feel like a failure.
TLDR: Wife told me that her attraction for me was never really high and I feel heartbroken and depressed. It has also dented my self esteem. Need help to get over this or maybe start anew?


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