The Ultimate Dad Joke

Milly went to school Monday morning with an itchy head.
"Just dandruff" she chalked it up to. She always had a dry-scalp.
She unpacked her books and readied for the morning announcements.
But there it was again...that itch. Ashamed of the white-flakes that would usually shower her desk, Milly took of to the restroom and locked herself in a stall.
She dug her finger nails into her scalp and started to scratch violently around her head. But what came out was not the usual small bits of dried skin-flakes. In fact, nothing came out at all. Instead she felt something...wiggling.
She brushed her hand across her scalp and noticed what felt like antennas tickling her palm.
When she moved her fingers to the base of the antennas, she squeezed and pulled, expecting a little grasshopper or whatever it was to jump right off. It probably jumped off a tree on my way to school. But this one didn't. She tugged, twisted, and pulled until finally it started coming out. But it was longer than she expected...
She wanted to stop but there was some satisfaction to getting this thing out of her head. The same satisfaction that comes from pulling a long tail of hair out of clogged drain. It just kept pulling and pulling.
As it got closer to the end she could feel whatever it was starting to coil itself back up into her palm. What felt like millions of prickly little legs tickled her wrist and finally the creature had been pulled completely out.
It had to be 12-inches long, and it flung itself around in Milly's hand until finally her grip released! It looked like a slimier, longer-legged millipede as it scurried under the bathroom door and out of sight.
She could feel the puss infected hole on her head starting to leak so she made a wad of toilet paper in her hand and slapped it on top of her head.
And just as she was about to leave...the bathroom door slammed open. The screaming and chattering of what sounded like a dozen school-girls ran into the bathroom and occupied every stall and mirror.
Someone was tugging at Milly's door trying to get in but for whatever reason Milly couldn't bring herself to open the door. She tucked her knees up to her chest and hugged them as the girls screams turned from worried to painful.
It sounded like a room full of pregnant women all giving birth at the same time without anesthetic. You could smell the sweat and blood in the air.
Milly glanced down at the white-tiled floor beneath her and started to see the creatures scurrying from one stall to the next.
She knew she had to get out, and unhinged the bathroom door and ran out as quick as she could.
The hallways were covered in what looked like taco-sauce and mayonnaise. Even though Milly knew that's not what it was she had to pretend to keep herself from throwing up.
She tried her best to keep from slipping as she moved down the hallway and couldn't help but notice the only people screaming were the girls. It seemed as though none of the boys were affected. Some of them were standing in shock, other's were helping their girlfriends, and some of the more cowardly boys were huddled inside their classrooms under their desks. But none were holding their heads. None were in pain.
Even weirder than all was one girl, Regina Tails, who was sitting at the end of the hallway smoking her vaporizer as if nothing around her was happening. Regina had been diagnosed months earlier with breast-cancer and was known for being the only bald girl in school.
"What are you doing? We gotta get out of here!" Milly shouted.
Regina shrugged. "I'm good. I don't think these things like me...seeing as I'm pumped full of nuclear-warhead right now. Plus I have nothing to lose. I don't have hair."
Milly wanted to burst through the double-doors in front of her and leave Regina to her devices, but part of her needed to know what she meant.
Regina took another drag from her vape.
"Don't you do the readings? These things are Anthrapedes. Big ones, way bigger than they should be, but Anthrapedes nonetheless. They nest in warm-clean environments. My guess is they got into our water and found homes in half the women in this town."
"How?"
Regina shrugged. "Showers probably. And nesting's just the easy part....it's the guys I feel bad for."
Milly gave Regina a blank look.
"Anthrapedes are famous for two things. One is there sharp pincer like teeth on the front of their head. The other is for their breeding habits. Unlike most creatures the female fertilizes the male seed. Once they leave their nest they will go for the quickest and easiest access point of semen they can find to fertilize."
Milly shrugged. And then came the loudest, deepest, most guttural scream she had ever heard.
It sounded like a moose being put through a wood-chipper and it was coming from the classroom. She ran in and saw Mr. Chalmers lying on the ground with blood all over his crotch. He was alive but clearly wished he hadn't been.
He motioned for her to come over but she just couldn't do it. She wanted to help him but knew she'd be of no service at all...plus she was pretty grossed out at the blood around his penis.
The groans and screams were getting louder and she needed to get out. She turned to run out of the classroom but slipped on some of the bodily-gunk that had scattered the floor.
She felt her head hit the tiles and the world faded to black.
​
Milly woke up in her bedroom to all her familiar settings. A cold-sweat and a nightmare was all it was.
She brushed her head and was relieved to find there was nothing there.
"You okay?" Her dads voice said from beside her.
"I...I think so. Bad dream."
Her dad smiled. "Everybody gets bad dreams. Come here, sweetie."
She hugged him and at last the world was back to normal. Normal, except for his back...
It felt...bumpy?
The anxiety returned as she ran her fearful hands up his spine, past his neck, and through his hair. At first she thought it was normal, but then she felt something wiggling. It felt like a thick hair, like a whisker. And it started to grow...
She pushed herself back to headboard on her bed and stared at her dad in horror.
"Is something wrong sweetie?" Her dad said with two large antennas protruding from his head.
"I promise I'll never bug you".


Source.