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[UPDATE] My [23 F] boyfriend's [28 M] best friend's wife [33 F] is a bit too much of a controlling p (by Sparky)
(29 / M-F / Massachusetts)
[UPDATE] My [23 F] boyfriend's [28 M] best friend's wife [33 F] is a bit too much of a controlling people-pleaser and it bothers me sometimes when she overdoes things with my bf.
Hello all!
My old post can be found here: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationshi..._wife_33_f_is/
but here's the tl;dr if you don't want to bother:
It's been three months since I posted that!
My irritation grew more and more, as she kept one-upping me during every single conversation and outright trying to embarrass me in front of new people. I grew from passive-aggressive to outright aggressive. She messaged me asking me if I was okay, and we had a little conversation. The gist of that goes like this:
I'm glad something was finally said. Since that day, things had been different. We took a break (as far as I can tell) from posting in the same group chats, sort of gained some distance. I was worried that I had permanently did some damage but eventually things became a shared space again and it didn't feel like I was fighting to earn my place, I just melted in.
She actually took some real mental space away (she's a bit mentally ill) and stopped posting as frequently, but when she started again, things were (and are) great! I realized she probably actually needs to be first in certain things, because she really could use the "thanks" from other people and she probably needs to feel happy.
I do like her and want her to feel better.
As far as the boyfriend situation...
Initially after the post and advice, I decided to step up and ask him to do things.
"Hey, can we do such and such without the other couple tonight?"
"Hey, let's watch something!"
"Wanna play something??"
(again, he was really the type to be down for anything but not initiate unless approached with an idea).
I don't know what happened but I think things completely flipped and he would much rather spend hours with me doing nothing than with them constantly. He actually would always ask me to do stuff and come up with things to do!
But honestly? I think it comes with the time of us being together. We have our rhythm now as a couple.
In the beginning he'd say some alarming things that I would kinda correct and call to question, for example: (let's call her Fran)
I say "Yeah of course."
"Do you want to join us?"
"Hmm... Nah it's okay! Imma go do somethign else. Have fun though~"
and we leave it at that.
Now I don't feel like I'm actually begging for space with him because of her. I think I made it a point to actually mention to her how much I enjoyed and missed spending time with boyfriend. In our time texting, she'll ask me what's up and I'll really harp on the fact that I'm having so much fun finally spending some time with him after he works all day.
I just kept it up, constantly gushing with my love for him rather than being angry at her for wanting to constantly take control over his plans. I think she just saw naturally that I'm here now to stay, I suppose, and that she doesn't want to intrude or anything.
It feels good.
tl;dr:
I got a bit hotheaded and her and I talked about it. I expressed that I didn't enjoy being made fun of or treated like an outsider just for teasing-sake. We both expressed how much we appreciated each others' company and that we would learn to read each other better.
I spent some time constantly gushing about how much I loved spending time with him to her, overdoing it at some points and I think she realized that she couldn't always be the one on his agenda.
Him and I actually grew a lot stronger together, spending more time together than ever before, to the point where even if we don't have any plans, we still hang out and create plans (this wasn't always the case, we'd always just plan on things and if we didn't plan, we didn't hang out).
Her and I are good. They seem to be good, I know they text or whatever but like I said, I couldn't care less what they do in their privacy as long as my relationship is unperturbed by it. He and I are great!
I want to thank everyone for encouraging me not to be passive-aggressive, sorry I couldn't follow that closely, but it was killing me. I also want to thank anyone that commented on the other post.
Now all things are good and I'm really secure in my position in the group, as well as in my relationship.
Source.
Hello all!
My old post can be found here: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationshi..._wife_33_f_is/
but here's the tl;dr if you don't want to bother:
tl;dr: Boyfriend's best friend's wife is controlling and overdoes things, especially involving my boyfriend. It seems like she does this because she's oldest. She tries to manage everything, even my private convos with her husband (she'll make references to what he and I talk about), and tries to tell me things about my boyfriend. It feels like she's used to being the only woman in his life and isn't budging with trying to back off a bit. I'd hate to have to talk to them about that, since I'm new to the "group" and it's not my place to come in and change things. I wouldn't ever do that to their friendship, regardless of how bad she seems, I'm certain control in her life is good for her.
Another thing I didn't add to my original post is that she always seemed to be aggressively joking or teasing me in front of other people, making me feel completely inferior because I'm younger and because I don't know many people. She's one of those loud types that call you out for stuff with the whole "Come on now, yknowhatimean?! hahahah!" type vibe that can make things uncomfortable. Everything seems like a competition w/ her, she's always gotta be first and most important in the group.
Another thing I didn't add to my original post is that she always seemed to be aggressively joking or teasing me in front of other people, making me feel completely inferior because I'm younger and because I don't know many people. She's one of those loud types that call you out for stuff with the whole "Come on now, yknowhatimean?! hahahah!" type vibe that can make things uncomfortable. Everything seems like a competition w/ her, she's always gotta be first and most important in the group.
It's been three months since I posted that!
My irritation grew more and more, as she kept one-upping me during every single conversation and outright trying to embarrass me in front of new people. I grew from passive-aggressive to outright aggressive. She messaged me asking me if I was okay, and we had a little conversation. The gist of that goes like this:
Me: I appreciate you checking. I don't quite enjoy the feeling of constantly feeling like what I do pales in comparison to someone else, or being made to look bad in front of my friends. A little banter is okay, but I don't like the 24/7 feeling like if I say something, someone is going to rebuttal with something that is meant to tease, always, especially in front of other people, and Honestly, I prefer to avoid those situations altogether.
I had hoped to not be made fun of again in yet another place but it keeps happening and I can say that I just don't like it.
Her: Understood. For what it's worth, at least the folks I know well don't think of you badly. We're just teasing and sarcastic at each other. It's a long-standing dynamic. It must not feel or look comfortable without the time behind it, though. I'm sorry for the alienation and hurt. I'll try and be more mindful, if you still want to hang out, and more clear too?
Me:What?! I like you a lot, which is why it was hard for me to even say this. I don't want to stop being around you because I like you and I think you're bright, incredible, amazing and all things under the sun.
And honest, which I appreciate.
Time is a big factor, yes. I'm new to the group, and I gotta wiggle my way in, so finding a place is difficult too. But it'll get there.
Her: I'd rather know something sucks when it sucks. "Dude. Not cool." "OH ****! I swear I meant-- I will be more x." That's my style. I feel bad you feel bad :(
Me: Well, I don't feel bad anymore that we've talked about it. I'm afraid of talking to people about things because I don't want any drastic changes.
I'm sorry, if it seemed like I was being an ******* for the past few days. Instead of taking the direct approach of simply talking to you, I tried to fix the situation on my end by being more... what's the word.... assertive. Which ended up being aggressive instead.
Her: To be fair, it was one-uppy and I thought it was our thing? But I was confused and disengaged pretty fast
Me:I was scared about the one-up thing! That was really intense for me because I wasn't sure if we were being legit or if it was playfulness but now I know that you're okay with it.
Either way, I think you're wonderful in your own way and it makes me happy when you're happy.
I have to learn to be clear, people can't read minds or moods sometimes. It's just a bit hard for me, being new to the group, and then immediately saying "Nah this makes me uncomfortable!" Because at the end of the day, I just have to go with the motions and learn what I'll actually be able to handle and speak out if I can't.
You and I haven't broken up!!! okay!! we're solid.
I had hoped to not be made fun of again in yet another place but it keeps happening and I can say that I just don't like it.
Her: Understood. For what it's worth, at least the folks I know well don't think of you badly. We're just teasing and sarcastic at each other. It's a long-standing dynamic. It must not feel or look comfortable without the time behind it, though. I'm sorry for the alienation and hurt. I'll try and be more mindful, if you still want to hang out, and more clear too?
Me:What?! I like you a lot, which is why it was hard for me to even say this. I don't want to stop being around you because I like you and I think you're bright, incredible, amazing and all things under the sun.
And honest, which I appreciate.
Time is a big factor, yes. I'm new to the group, and I gotta wiggle my way in, so finding a place is difficult too. But it'll get there.
Her: I'd rather know something sucks when it sucks. "Dude. Not cool." "OH ****! I swear I meant-- I will be more x." That's my style. I feel bad you feel bad :(
Me: Well, I don't feel bad anymore that we've talked about it. I'm afraid of talking to people about things because I don't want any drastic changes.
I'm sorry, if it seemed like I was being an ******* for the past few days. Instead of taking the direct approach of simply talking to you, I tried to fix the situation on my end by being more... what's the word.... assertive. Which ended up being aggressive instead.
Her: To be fair, it was one-uppy and I thought it was our thing? But I was confused and disengaged pretty fast
Me:I was scared about the one-up thing! That was really intense for me because I wasn't sure if we were being legit or if it was playfulness but now I know that you're okay with it.
Either way, I think you're wonderful in your own way and it makes me happy when you're happy.
I have to learn to be clear, people can't read minds or moods sometimes. It's just a bit hard for me, being new to the group, and then immediately saying "Nah this makes me uncomfortable!" Because at the end of the day, I just have to go with the motions and learn what I'll actually be able to handle and speak out if I can't.
You and I haven't broken up!!! okay!! we're solid.
I'm glad something was finally said. Since that day, things had been different. We took a break (as far as I can tell) from posting in the same group chats, sort of gained some distance. I was worried that I had permanently did some damage but eventually things became a shared space again and it didn't feel like I was fighting to earn my place, I just melted in.
She actually took some real mental space away (she's a bit mentally ill) and stopped posting as frequently, but when she started again, things were (and are) great! I realized she probably actually needs to be first in certain things, because she really could use the "thanks" from other people and she probably needs to feel happy.
I do like her and want her to feel better.
As far as the boyfriend situation...
Initially after the post and advice, I decided to step up and ask him to do things.
"Hey, can we do such and such without the other couple tonight?"
"Hey, let's watch something!"
"Wanna play something??"
(again, he was really the type to be down for anything but not initiate unless approached with an idea).
I don't know what happened but I think things completely flipped and he would much rather spend hours with me doing nothing than with them constantly. He actually would always ask me to do stuff and come up with things to do!
But honestly? I think it comes with the time of us being together. We have our rhythm now as a couple.
In the beginning he'd say some alarming things that I would kinda correct and call to question, for example: (let's call her Fran)
"Fran made my buy the game!"
I let it rest a little bit and asked calmly and kinda like hmm? "Fran made you buy the game?"
"..okay! Well, she didn't make me."
"Ah alright. Well as long as you enjoy it."
and he still makes it a point where, if we're hanging out, he'll actually ask "Is it okay if I play with Fran for a little bit?" (I never actually asked him or told him that he needs to ask me this stuff, it's something he's always done, just to be polite)"..okay! Well, she didn't make me."
"Ah alright. Well as long as you enjoy it."
I say "Yeah of course."
"Do you want to join us?"
"Hmm... Nah it's okay! Imma go do somethign else. Have fun though~"
and we leave it at that.
Now I don't feel like I'm actually begging for space with him because of her. I think I made it a point to actually mention to her how much I enjoyed and missed spending time with boyfriend. In our time texting, she'll ask me what's up and I'll really harp on the fact that I'm having so much fun finally spending some time with him after he works all day.
I just kept it up, constantly gushing with my love for him rather than being angry at her for wanting to constantly take control over his plans. I think she just saw naturally that I'm here now to stay, I suppose, and that she doesn't want to intrude or anything.
It feels good.
tl;dr:
I got a bit hotheaded and her and I talked about it. I expressed that I didn't enjoy being made fun of or treated like an outsider just for teasing-sake. We both expressed how much we appreciated each others' company and that we would learn to read each other better.
I spent some time constantly gushing about how much I loved spending time with him to her, overdoing it at some points and I think she realized that she couldn't always be the one on his agenda.
Him and I actually grew a lot stronger together, spending more time together than ever before, to the point where even if we don't have any plans, we still hang out and create plans (this wasn't always the case, we'd always just plan on things and if we didn't plan, we didn't hang out).
Her and I are good. They seem to be good, I know they text or whatever but like I said, I couldn't care less what they do in their privacy as long as my relationship is unperturbed by it. He and I are great!
I want to thank everyone for encouraging me not to be passive-aggressive, sorry I couldn't follow that closely, but it was killing me. I also want to thank anyone that commented on the other post.
Now all things are good and I'm really secure in my position in the group, as well as in my relationship.
Source.
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