My[36m] wife[37f] threatens divorce in almost every argument, has a REALLY short temper, and no problem having no-holds-barred arguments in front of our kids [8m and mentally/physically disabled 6m]

TL;DR: wife has anger issues, constantly threatens divorce, and holds nothing back in arguments in front of our kids (one typical, one severely mentally and physically disabled). Couples therapy isn’t working, maybe making things worse. Divorce seems like an inevitable but devastating option but better than completely f**king up our neuro-typical son.
This is really long but I couldn’t find anything unworthy enough to be cut out. Please bear with me.
The above situation has been a relative constant in our 9-year marriage with periods of calm in between the eruptions. This weekend was about the 3rd or 4th tipping point where I've been ready to take her up on her offer to get divorced. But first a little background on our disabled son, boy2. 12 months after having boy1 we found out we were pregnant again. Then we found out boy2 wasn’t developing typically and was unlikely to survive to term or would be too disabled to care for and we should consider abortion. My wife and I didn't want to abort and decided to let nature take its course. Boy2 was born and later diagnosed with an extremely rare genetic condition called PHGDH, a serene deficiency. He'll never walk or talk, he's legally blind and deaf, and is, and will be 100% interdependent for the rest of his life. Because of boy2’s care needs and school schedule my wife doesn’t work and earns no income other than babysitting for a friend (which is about to end).
We’re currently in marriage counseling but I don’t think my point of view is being heard. The therapist seems to think that all my wife’s grievances and frustrations with me are valid and a result of my ADHD, for which I was diagnosed at age 26 {Med disclosure: I take stimulants for ADHD as well as anti-depressants and anxiety meds for those conditions. Wife was prescribed an anti-anxiety med but I suspect she hasn’t been taking them since the RX bottle says it was filled in January. She insists she’s been taking them and just poured new meds into old bottle.]
Since I’ve known my wife she’s had a temper. In the beginning of our relationship it manifested in the form of silence. I would notice times where she’d get quiet and just sort of “whateverâ€. As our relationship grew, the things that seemed to make her quiet at the beginning of our relationship would instead make her obviously angry. This got worse after boy1 was born. We’d get into these arguments over things and when I’d finally relent out of sheer unwillingness to put my all into an argument, she’d then argue with me against her previous argument claiming she “felt bad†for making me change my mind. This literally made me feel crazy.
Boy1 is now 8 and we still have explosive arguments around him. It usually starts out small but quickly escalates into screaming where she’s calling me names, saying she hates me, telling me she wants me to leave and that she wants a divorce. Boy1 gets visibly upset by these arguments and screams at us to stop fighting, goes into his room to scream, and involves himself to try and calm us down. I don’t even know what to do, I want to take myself away from the situation but she accuses me of “leaving my responsibilitiesâ€. There have been two instances where trying to remove myself has caused the problem to escalate: A few years ago, we got into an explosive argument so I went to my basement workshop to spend some time away from her and cool off, she followed me down there and continued to yell at me until I lost control and punched a thick piece of plywood, breaking my hand. She had a sort-of “that’s what you get†attitude about it. The second time we got into another explosive argument (this time neither kid was around), I was trying to go for a drive to cool off and she physically restrained me by wrapping her arms around me and blocking the door, preventing me from leaving the house. I’m 6’1â€, 250lbs so could’ve gotten free but she’d’ve gotten hurt and I’d’ve probably been arrested. I was really disturbed by this instance so I emailed our counselor saying I was concerned I might be a victim of domestic abuse. At our next session the counselor all but wrote it off, almost mocking me for saying her actions constituted abuse. I said if it were the other way around I doubt she’d be so nonchalant about it which seemed to make her (counselor) mad and said such an accusation cost her license. I understand her job is to keep marriages together but writing off a claim of domestic abuse seems pretty unprofessional.
I’ve talked to my own personal therapist about these things and he validates my feelings which gives me courage to confront her about how I feel she’s treating me poorly but wife just comes back with “well did you tell him this and that or just your side of the story?†Which makes me think I wasn’t being fair in how I described the situation to my personal therapist. At our couples sessions My wife seems to control the narrative and becomes vulnerable and cries when I talk about how she’s treating me is wrong and unfair. At home, however, she shows no vulnerability at all and goes right into her no-holds-barred anger tirades. I feel so powerless. I genuinely feel she thinks her actions are justified based on how she feels and that she’s not intentionally manipulating me but I can’t seem to allow myself to come to terms with her severe reactions to my relatively minor actions.
Yesterday I reached a tipping point after she said she wanted a divorce. This whole thing happened in front of boys 1 and 2. I had spent part of the day alone with boy2 while wife was with boy1 at a birthday party for one of his friends. Wife had one of boy2’s meds in her car, which he was scheduled to take while she was out. I let her know that I mixed up a new batch and gave him the appropriate dose. Later that night I drew up his final daily dose and threw away the rest so as not to get confused by the 2 partial bottles of medication. This resulted in him receiving the appropriate amount of medication for the day with a small amount wasted (med is a non-RX supplement and not subject to re-fill restrictions). When wife saw me throw away the excess med she completely lost it and began screaming and jumping up and down in an almost comical way saying I completely messed up his meds. I tried explaining what happened and she wouldn’t listen. When I finally got through to her she redirected her extreme reaction toward the fact that I had thrown out the excess medication, which at most should’ve elicited a “bummer, but oh well†response. But instead, she said she wanted a divorce. While all this was happening, boy2 was getting really upset. Screaming at us to stop fighting and trying to tell us jokes to calm us down, which broke my heart. I told her that her temper is creating a toxic environment for our son and it’s going to cause him serious damage. She retorted with “you’re the toxic oneâ€. I slept on the couch.
This morning she was still acting cold. I asked her if she really wanted a divorce and she said she didn’t. I told her if she threatens divorce again I’m going to a lawyer and getting it done. (I’ve made this promise probably about 4 times in the past so it probably doesn’t carry weight anymore). I’m at my wits end, now. It devastates me to think of a life without seeing my boys every day and having them grow up in a broken home but at this point I’m willing to live with the pain if it means the boys aren’t subject to such a toxic environment. I know there’s no way to get out of this in one piece, financially, considering she doesn’t work, we own a home together, and with boy2’s disabled status. I don’t want my boys to have to sacrifice their lifestyles and full-time father but I’m legitimately concerned about how this poisonous environment is affecting the development of our (so far) neuro-typical kid. We both have near-by supportive families so I won’t be homeless if/when the **** hits the fan but I can’t imagine ever achieving happiness for myself if our family breaks apart. I don’t earn enough money sustain my family as well as myself in any sort of independent capacity.
Am I in an abusive relationship? Is separation/divorce overdue? Is there any way to work with my wife without enabling her extreme temper?
Thanks for listening.


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