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Me [27 F] with my husband [32 M] of 3 months, He forced me to have an abortion and I am trying to co (by Sparky)
(29 / M-F / Massachusetts)
Me [27 F] with my husband [32 M] of 3 months, He forced me to have an abortion and I am trying to cope with the trauma and figure out how to leave. Any advice on how to deal with loss/trauma, living in an unbearable situation, and filing/paying for divorce?
My husband and I dated for 3 years; I always sacrificed for our relationship (my time, more effort on my part, and showing more affection with little in return) to support him achieving his dream of building his own communication platform/product and starting his own company. He was engrossed in 24/7 work on the project and with his team. I wanted marriage and a house, he was too focused on achieving and then looking into all of the other stuff one day. I had a great full time job and a year left of online university at a great state university. I planned on saving all year, finishing my Bachelors, and living on my savings while I did an accelerated BSN program (I decided my major wasn't what I wanted, and I was sick of working in corporate America). I was sick of putting my life on hold, being at his beck and call, and always feel "less than" to other things in his life. I never went out on weekends just to spend 2-4 hours with him when he could fit me in, and I missed out on so much.
So I told him exactly how I felt and left. He begged me to stay, swore he loved me, and said he would marry me that weekend to prove it. For me, I was emotionally and psychologically drained and needed a break. We didn't talk for 2 months straight, and then one Friday, perfect timing, I am having a bad day at work + school stress + and feeling lonely. He comes riding back into my life and tells me his business was a success, he made it, and dedicated it all publicly to me and my sacrifices. He swore all would change and he was there for me 100%, that he couldn't live his life with out me. I caved; I had wanted this for so long, I couldn't turn away with out knowing I was not the reason we were not together. Here he was, exactly as I wanted, with all the promises/commitments I had longed for for the last 3 years.
He swooped me up on a magical and romantic getaway to the tropics to elope. We stayed in a beautiful resort and had the time of our lives. His habits appeared to have changed and he was focused all on me. Then we moved back home together and immediately I moved into his place and his roommate moved out. The transition was a little more jarring in reality, and the post honeymoon was not as easy as we thought. I missed my job that I left to focus on staying home, working on our relationship, and going to school in person and full time like I had always wanted. He had agreed to pay for it so I could quit work. But I found I lost my sense of pride and accomplishment and purpose with out that social and work aspect to my life. I was a few weeks away from a huge promotion and the sacrifice hit harder than expected. I missed my family, my family dog that I was inseparable with. But we got through all of that and I adjusted. I finished summer courses, made the apartment "home" and upgraded the bachelor pad with all the features of a well run household. I cooked dinner from scratch every night and played house with him.
I say play, because it all seems false right now looking back on it. I have zero trust in the sincerity of his love or promises. Yes he paid for my semester of school, but he forced a traumatic decision on me through emotional, financial, and psychological manipulation. We found out 10 weeks after the end of our honeymoon that I was 7 weeks pregnant. My birth control had lapsed with the large time zone changes just enough to let me ovulate. Kids were not part of either of our plans, and as soon as we found out he was researching abortion clinics without even asking me how I felt or what I wanted.
We had 3 weeks of horrible fights, me crying hysterically every night for weeks, feeling trapped and like I completely ****ed myself over. I sacrificed my independence and financial freedom to trust in his love that he professed and to take the leap with him. I felt that I no longer had my voice or my own choice; I was at his mercy. He knew I wanted to keep it after seeing the heartbeat at 7 and 10 weeks; after feeling 'pregnant'; and coming around to the idea that we had created this baby together and it was safely trusted and tucked away inside of me. I literally felt like I was glowing and comfortable in my body for the first time in forever.
He essentially told me, have an abortion or leave and you are 100% on your own. He knew I couldn't go back to my job, and with out my degree done I would not be able to find a comparable one (I had worked my way up over 5 years!). I had no way to pay for school on my own the next year, and pay for a baby. My family would let me move in, but they do not have the resources to help me financially through the last year of school with a baby. They really don't even have the room for a baby (Household of 6 already). He hounded me with threats of failing as a single mom, him moving out of the country back to his home country, and leaving me with no support of any kind. He called it a "hunk of cells" and played the guilt card that I would choose tissue over my husband and our marriage. He oscillated between begging and guilting me, to anger and hurling insults my way about my inability to raise a child or afford it at this time. He constantly berated me with tales of how my life would be if I had it, not being able to go back to school, working a lower paying job and struggling, and being on govt. assistance, and having to depend on my family. He told me no kid wants to be brought into a life like that, that I was being selfish and trying to keep it with no plan, no resources, and no father. He wore my self-esteem, resolve, and belief that I could ever make it work completely down. I was devastated and scared.
I wanted to raise our baby together as a family, and all of my dreams with him were shattered. The loving and trusting relationship that I planned on us building a marriage on evaporated at the sight of this first real issue that we faced together. Instead of seeing my unbearable pain and heartbreak in my nightly hysterical crying, and my begging and pleading with him, he said he was being practical. He would never be a dad to this kid, and I could never make an adequate mother on my own at this time in my life.
He scheduled and paid for the abortion. He at least paid extra for me to be completely asleep during the procedure; probably because he knew I would freak out and change my mind. I still cry hysterically when I think back on it. I felt numb the day I went in for it. I felt completely removed from my body and not present. I got in the car defeated and just followed his directions, the clinics directions, and let it happen to me. I woke up sore, exposed in a tiny gown on a bed in recovery soaked in my own blood on two square absorbant sheets. It was all over the very tops of m inner thighs, the backs of my legs behind my inner thighs, and my "female region" was a bloody mess. I immediately regretted letting him talk me down into this decision. I was completely heartbroken, and I felt traumatized at the sites, smells, the pain. There has been so much blood, and it makes my heart and stomach sink every time I have to see it. I felt robbed of something that had been given to me. I remember hobbling to the bathroom still half out of it trying to hold my gown closed and sitting on the toilet unable to breathe. The clinic made me clean myself off and get dressed in the bathroom when I could still hardly stand. I felt so alone and voiceless and disappointed in myself at the situation I had put myself in. Just three months ago I could have said **** you, stayed at my job, and done it on my own while finishing school online and paying out of pocket for it. With my raise I could have afforded it all. Instead I caved and left it all for him. The same guy who would choose to put me through this pain and trauma all for his own selfish reasons of not wanting to be some kids dad when he is the one who insisted on coming in me, telling me if he had kids it would only ever be with me, etc.
I cry every single day and night over it. My body is completely a mess. It apparently takes weeks for your breasts to go back down and stop being sore. I still felt pregnant the day I left the clinic in terms of my stomach and breasts. The excessive blood reassured me I wasn't... You bleed for up to 4 whole weeks after, with clots the size of quarters, and a few golf balls too, coming out at once. I was sore for a few days after, and still have cramping a week later. None of my clothes fit. My middle still looks pregnant as my uterus hasn't shrunk and my baby fat weight I gained is still there. I am so depressed I use all my energy just to get out of bed, get to classes, and come home to study and then sit and stare at the walls trying not to breakdown with the weight of the trauma, loneliness, and sadness I feel. Classes literally started 4 days after the procedure. I feel financially trapped here until I find a job again. I am going to have to work PT making half of what I made before while finishing school over the next year and a half. (I switched my major to nursing now that I had the ability to go in person, and I have all gen eds and nursing pre reqs done. I just have core courses left to complete and can do them in 3-4 semesters).
I told my parents the entire situation, expect I told them that I wound up losing the baby after all the fighting. So they know where he stood and what happened between us. I just couldn't tell them I did what I did. I don't want to say it out loud, admit it, or talk about it. I don't disagree with abortion, and I think it should be available for any woman to safely terminate a baby she doesn't want to carry. But for me, it was horrible. They want me back home as soon as I can financially make it. I am grateful they didn't lecture me too hard about my reckless choices to pick up with my ex and run off to elope and sacrifice so much. They hugged me, told me they loved me, asked how I was doing with the loss, and told me I am always welcome to come home. I almost feel like I don't deserve their love at this point. I feel like a liar and like I sacrificed my own integrity for someone else.
I just feel so powerless and blame myself for trusting him and sacrificing so much more for this relationship. I should have stuck to my initial call to end the relationship and move forward with my life. Instead I fell back into comfort and lost hopes I had for us, and in the end I feel crushingly responsible for the most traumatic thing I have ever had to go through. I am sure for women who do not want babies abortions are a necessary discomfort. But for someone who wants their baby, it's trauma and the most gut wrenching thing that can happen, especially when they have a healthy baby but circumstances that force their hand.
Needless to say I am looking for advice on how to maneuver out of this short lived marriage. We live like roommates now. I told him I need space and time to get through what just happened to me and my body. I am in physical discomfort right now so he is backing off. It's been 5 days today, and he's starting to get pissy about my distance, irritability, and continued crying. He thinks that I should be able to collect myself and move past what had to be done out of necessity. That we need to now work on building our marriage and intimacy and relationship back up. I am living here like a person underwater. I can't breathe and my chest tightens when we are both home in this silent house together. He pays the car payments and for my tuition, so I cannot just up and leave right now. I don't have enough money. I am looking for a job and hope to be out by October in exactly a month. I need to get settled into my classes, find work, and save money to have a couple months of bills/expenses tucked away. I have no idea how to get a divorce or pay for it; I never thought I would be someone who needed to know those things.
I feel so heavy right now. I am trying to pull myself together, be strong, and get my bearings to be out ASAP. It's so hard to motivate yourself, even out of a dire situation, when you are depressed and emotionally distraught. But I am slowly doing it. I have been to my classes, I am studying, and trying to distract from the images of the abortion, and the thoughts surrounding it. I have been holding back the tears lately, but I always feel like there is a lump in my throat and I could cry any minute.
Any advice is welcome, personal stories that relate, divorce advice, advice on living in an unbearable situation, and how to come back from an emotion blow like this? I feel like I will never trust another guy again, and I will be terrified to ever lean on another person in my life. Do you ever really recover from trauma and betrayal?
tl;dr: Husband forced me to have an abortion and I am trying to cope with the trauma and figure out how to financially leave and divorce him.
Source.
My husband and I dated for 3 years; I always sacrificed for our relationship (my time, more effort on my part, and showing more affection with little in return) to support him achieving his dream of building his own communication platform/product and starting his own company. He was engrossed in 24/7 work on the project and with his team. I wanted marriage and a house, he was too focused on achieving and then looking into all of the other stuff one day. I had a great full time job and a year left of online university at a great state university. I planned on saving all year, finishing my Bachelors, and living on my savings while I did an accelerated BSN program (I decided my major wasn't what I wanted, and I was sick of working in corporate America). I was sick of putting my life on hold, being at his beck and call, and always feel "less than" to other things in his life. I never went out on weekends just to spend 2-4 hours with him when he could fit me in, and I missed out on so much.
So I told him exactly how I felt and left. He begged me to stay, swore he loved me, and said he would marry me that weekend to prove it. For me, I was emotionally and psychologically drained and needed a break. We didn't talk for 2 months straight, and then one Friday, perfect timing, I am having a bad day at work + school stress + and feeling lonely. He comes riding back into my life and tells me his business was a success, he made it, and dedicated it all publicly to me and my sacrifices. He swore all would change and he was there for me 100%, that he couldn't live his life with out me. I caved; I had wanted this for so long, I couldn't turn away with out knowing I was not the reason we were not together. Here he was, exactly as I wanted, with all the promises/commitments I had longed for for the last 3 years.
He swooped me up on a magical and romantic getaway to the tropics to elope. We stayed in a beautiful resort and had the time of our lives. His habits appeared to have changed and he was focused all on me. Then we moved back home together and immediately I moved into his place and his roommate moved out. The transition was a little more jarring in reality, and the post honeymoon was not as easy as we thought. I missed my job that I left to focus on staying home, working on our relationship, and going to school in person and full time like I had always wanted. He had agreed to pay for it so I could quit work. But I found I lost my sense of pride and accomplishment and purpose with out that social and work aspect to my life. I was a few weeks away from a huge promotion and the sacrifice hit harder than expected. I missed my family, my family dog that I was inseparable with. But we got through all of that and I adjusted. I finished summer courses, made the apartment "home" and upgraded the bachelor pad with all the features of a well run household. I cooked dinner from scratch every night and played house with him.
I say play, because it all seems false right now looking back on it. I have zero trust in the sincerity of his love or promises. Yes he paid for my semester of school, but he forced a traumatic decision on me through emotional, financial, and psychological manipulation. We found out 10 weeks after the end of our honeymoon that I was 7 weeks pregnant. My birth control had lapsed with the large time zone changes just enough to let me ovulate. Kids were not part of either of our plans, and as soon as we found out he was researching abortion clinics without even asking me how I felt or what I wanted.
We had 3 weeks of horrible fights, me crying hysterically every night for weeks, feeling trapped and like I completely ****ed myself over. I sacrificed my independence and financial freedom to trust in his love that he professed and to take the leap with him. I felt that I no longer had my voice or my own choice; I was at his mercy. He knew I wanted to keep it after seeing the heartbeat at 7 and 10 weeks; after feeling 'pregnant'; and coming around to the idea that we had created this baby together and it was safely trusted and tucked away inside of me. I literally felt like I was glowing and comfortable in my body for the first time in forever.
He essentially told me, have an abortion or leave and you are 100% on your own. He knew I couldn't go back to my job, and with out my degree done I would not be able to find a comparable one (I had worked my way up over 5 years!). I had no way to pay for school on my own the next year, and pay for a baby. My family would let me move in, but they do not have the resources to help me financially through the last year of school with a baby. They really don't even have the room for a baby (Household of 6 already). He hounded me with threats of failing as a single mom, him moving out of the country back to his home country, and leaving me with no support of any kind. He called it a "hunk of cells" and played the guilt card that I would choose tissue over my husband and our marriage. He oscillated between begging and guilting me, to anger and hurling insults my way about my inability to raise a child or afford it at this time. He constantly berated me with tales of how my life would be if I had it, not being able to go back to school, working a lower paying job and struggling, and being on govt. assistance, and having to depend on my family. He told me no kid wants to be brought into a life like that, that I was being selfish and trying to keep it with no plan, no resources, and no father. He wore my self-esteem, resolve, and belief that I could ever make it work completely down. I was devastated and scared.
I wanted to raise our baby together as a family, and all of my dreams with him were shattered. The loving and trusting relationship that I planned on us building a marriage on evaporated at the sight of this first real issue that we faced together. Instead of seeing my unbearable pain and heartbreak in my nightly hysterical crying, and my begging and pleading with him, he said he was being practical. He would never be a dad to this kid, and I could never make an adequate mother on my own at this time in my life.
He scheduled and paid for the abortion. He at least paid extra for me to be completely asleep during the procedure; probably because he knew I would freak out and change my mind. I still cry hysterically when I think back on it. I felt numb the day I went in for it. I felt completely removed from my body and not present. I got in the car defeated and just followed his directions, the clinics directions, and let it happen to me. I woke up sore, exposed in a tiny gown on a bed in recovery soaked in my own blood on two square absorbant sheets. It was all over the very tops of m inner thighs, the backs of my legs behind my inner thighs, and my "female region" was a bloody mess. I immediately regretted letting him talk me down into this decision. I was completely heartbroken, and I felt traumatized at the sites, smells, the pain. There has been so much blood, and it makes my heart and stomach sink every time I have to see it. I felt robbed of something that had been given to me. I remember hobbling to the bathroom still half out of it trying to hold my gown closed and sitting on the toilet unable to breathe. The clinic made me clean myself off and get dressed in the bathroom when I could still hardly stand. I felt so alone and voiceless and disappointed in myself at the situation I had put myself in. Just three months ago I could have said **** you, stayed at my job, and done it on my own while finishing school online and paying out of pocket for it. With my raise I could have afforded it all. Instead I caved and left it all for him. The same guy who would choose to put me through this pain and trauma all for his own selfish reasons of not wanting to be some kids dad when he is the one who insisted on coming in me, telling me if he had kids it would only ever be with me, etc.
I cry every single day and night over it. My body is completely a mess. It apparently takes weeks for your breasts to go back down and stop being sore. I still felt pregnant the day I left the clinic in terms of my stomach and breasts. The excessive blood reassured me I wasn't... You bleed for up to 4 whole weeks after, with clots the size of quarters, and a few golf balls too, coming out at once. I was sore for a few days after, and still have cramping a week later. None of my clothes fit. My middle still looks pregnant as my uterus hasn't shrunk and my baby fat weight I gained is still there. I am so depressed I use all my energy just to get out of bed, get to classes, and come home to study and then sit and stare at the walls trying not to breakdown with the weight of the trauma, loneliness, and sadness I feel. Classes literally started 4 days after the procedure. I feel financially trapped here until I find a job again. I am going to have to work PT making half of what I made before while finishing school over the next year and a half. (I switched my major to nursing now that I had the ability to go in person, and I have all gen eds and nursing pre reqs done. I just have core courses left to complete and can do them in 3-4 semesters).
I told my parents the entire situation, expect I told them that I wound up losing the baby after all the fighting. So they know where he stood and what happened between us. I just couldn't tell them I did what I did. I don't want to say it out loud, admit it, or talk about it. I don't disagree with abortion, and I think it should be available for any woman to safely terminate a baby she doesn't want to carry. But for me, it was horrible. They want me back home as soon as I can financially make it. I am grateful they didn't lecture me too hard about my reckless choices to pick up with my ex and run off to elope and sacrifice so much. They hugged me, told me they loved me, asked how I was doing with the loss, and told me I am always welcome to come home. I almost feel like I don't deserve their love at this point. I feel like a liar and like I sacrificed my own integrity for someone else.
I just feel so powerless and blame myself for trusting him and sacrificing so much more for this relationship. I should have stuck to my initial call to end the relationship and move forward with my life. Instead I fell back into comfort and lost hopes I had for us, and in the end I feel crushingly responsible for the most traumatic thing I have ever had to go through. I am sure for women who do not want babies abortions are a necessary discomfort. But for someone who wants their baby, it's trauma and the most gut wrenching thing that can happen, especially when they have a healthy baby but circumstances that force their hand.
Needless to say I am looking for advice on how to maneuver out of this short lived marriage. We live like roommates now. I told him I need space and time to get through what just happened to me and my body. I am in physical discomfort right now so he is backing off. It's been 5 days today, and he's starting to get pissy about my distance, irritability, and continued crying. He thinks that I should be able to collect myself and move past what had to be done out of necessity. That we need to now work on building our marriage and intimacy and relationship back up. I am living here like a person underwater. I can't breathe and my chest tightens when we are both home in this silent house together. He pays the car payments and for my tuition, so I cannot just up and leave right now. I don't have enough money. I am looking for a job and hope to be out by October in exactly a month. I need to get settled into my classes, find work, and save money to have a couple months of bills/expenses tucked away. I have no idea how to get a divorce or pay for it; I never thought I would be someone who needed to know those things.
I feel so heavy right now. I am trying to pull myself together, be strong, and get my bearings to be out ASAP. It's so hard to motivate yourself, even out of a dire situation, when you are depressed and emotionally distraught. But I am slowly doing it. I have been to my classes, I am studying, and trying to distract from the images of the abortion, and the thoughts surrounding it. I have been holding back the tears lately, but I always feel like there is a lump in my throat and I could cry any minute.
Any advice is welcome, personal stories that relate, divorce advice, advice on living in an unbearable situation, and how to come back from an emotion blow like this? I feel like I will never trust another guy again, and I will be terrified to ever lean on another person in my life. Do you ever really recover from trauma and betrayal?
tl;dr: Husband forced me to have an abortion and I am trying to cope with the trauma and figure out how to financially leave and divorce him.
Source.
(58 / M-F / Louisiana)
I feel like I will never trust another guy again,
Never, ever, let yourself be totally dependant on another person...even literally, or in your own mind.
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