One morning, two Englishmen are strolling down a London street, when they see a stray dog licking its own testicles. One of the Englishmen turns to the other and says, "Say, I wish I could do that!" His mate watches the dog for a moment, sighs longingly, and replies, "I should say so! But don't you think you ought to get to know him first?"

The Problem with Speaking English

Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'

The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'

The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'

The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'

The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

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An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''

@mrb89: damn brits! Lmao

@mrb89: ha ha ha they are great!!! I loved them.
Thank you!!

Lol yes, us damn Brits!!
Just so you know there's actually probably more polish, Indian, Hungarian, Pakistani people in England than English.
Yes when we saved their countries they invaded us!!
Probably for the benefits and free medical care.

@Notlikeothers: lol, so I've been hearing. I am of Irish descent. So poking fun at you brits is really second nature! Lol. No offense meant, bro. :)

@ramblinman: no offense taken, us Brits really ain't the best to be honest, we've pretty much sold all of Britain off to foreign powers and we are scared by the orders of a country that was one of the first to fall to the nazis (Belgium). All our tradition has more or less gone and our doors are open to everyone so come on in.
However, we are still polite and don't want to offend anyone (well I am not like others lol), and we are always happy to help (help with destroying whatever we have left, thank you government)
I'm ranting!!
I love the Irish but kinda scared that they will just blow up. No offense To Irish people lol :-)

@Notlikeothers: you don't give us enough credit. We don't blow ourselves up. We just blow Brits up! Lmfao,