Dearest Dave,
I went to the door today, and
the postman delivered a
partridge in a pear tree. This
was a delightful gift! I couldn't
have been more surprised or pleased darling!
With truly the deepest love,
Agnes
December 15, 2003
Dearest Dave,
Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet
gifts. The two turtule doves
that arrived today are
adorable, and I'm delighted by
your thoughtful and generous
ways. With all of my love,
Your Agnes
December 16, 2003
Dearest Dave,
You've truly been too kind! I
must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought
of getting three French hens
amazes me. Yet, I am not
surprised--what more should I
expect from such a nice
person. Love,
Agnes
December 17, 2003
Dear Dave,
Four calling birds arrived in the
mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that
enough is enough? You are
being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
December 18, 2003 Dearest darling Dave,
It was a surprise to get five
golden rings! I now have one
for every finger. You truly are
impossible darling, yet oh how
I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the
previous days were starting to
get on my nerves. Yet, you
managed to come through
with a beautiful valuable gift!
All my love, Agnes
December 19, 2003
Dear Dave,
When I opened my door, there
were actually six geese a-
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again,
huh? Those geese are dear, but
where will I keep them? The
neighbors are complaining,
and I am unable to sleep with
all the racket. Please stop dear. Cordially,
Agnes
December 20, 2003
Dave,
What is with you and those
stupid birds!? Seven swans a- swimming!! What kind of sick
joke is this!!?? There are bird
droppings everywhere! They
never shut up, and I don't get
any sleep!!! I'm a nervous
wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
December 21, 2003
O.K. wise guy,
The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me
to do with eight maids a-
milking? If that's not bad
enough, they had to bring their
cows!! The front lawn was
completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own
house! Just lay off me or you'll
be sorry!
Agnes
December 22, 2003
Hey loser, What are you? You must be
some kind of sadist!! Now
there are nine pipers playing,
and they certainly do play!
They haven't stopped chasing
those maids since they got here! The cows are getting
upset, and they're stepping all
over those screeching birds.
The neighbors are getting up a
petition to evict me, and I'm
going out of my mind! You'll get yours!
Agnes
December 23, 2003
You rotten scum!!!
There are now ten ladies
dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're
dancing twenty-four hours a
day all around me with the
pipers upsetting the cows and
the maids. The cows can't
sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere!
The building commissioner has
subpoenaed me to give cause
as to why the house shouldn't
be condemned! I can't even
think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!
One who means it!
December 24, 2003
Listen you evil, sadistic,
maniac!
What's with the eleven lords- a-leaping?!? They are leaping
across the rooms breaking
everything and even injuring
some of the maids! The place
smells, is an absolute mad
house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds
are quiet; they were trampled
to death by the cows. I hope
you are satisfied--you rotten
vicious worthless piece of
garbage! Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
December 25, 2003
The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street Chicago, Illinois
Dear sir,
This is to acknowledge your
latest gift of twelve fiddlers-
fiddling which you have seen
fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The
destruction of course was
total. If you attempt to reach
Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze
Sanatarium, the attendants
have instructions to shoot you on site.
Please direct all
correspondence to this office
in the future. With this letter,
please find attached a warrant
for your arrest. Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
This document was written by
Agnes Mcholstein.

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