I finally found a guy exactly like my father, dresses like him, acts like him, so I brought him home and my mom shot him.

My cousin got arrested for shoplifting a bottle of water from Biglots. A bottle of water. So I called up my aunt and asked her "Is your water running?" She said, "Yes, I'm about to take a bath." So I said, "Well then why did your daughter feel the need to shoplift water?" She hung up on me.

Someone told me that his cousin got arrested for shoplifting a lightbulb. Why a light bulb? Apparently she no longer wanted to be in the dark. I don't think they have much light in prison and I doubt they let you take in a lightbulb.

Last year I asked Santa for a bicycle but I think Santa's getting old because he brought me a popsicle instead. Well I forgive you old man but next year wear your hearing aid.

What do you guys think?

Hi OP, it's nice that you write your own material, you're talented. Your jokes are ok especially the first joke & one thing i notice, your subject is " negative " side of person's life (wife shot the husband, stealing and disability ) no pun intended but i guess , you write positive too? Hope to read more of your jokes in the future. Good luck :)