I (23F) Overheard my Parents (50F, 63M) Talking Badly About Me. I Lashed Out, and I'm Not Sure If/How I Should Apologize Given My Abusive Upbringing.

My mother has abused alcohol since before I was born, and my father is a traveling entertainer. Growing up, I was somewhat regularly left to fend for myself while my father was absent and my mother used his leave to binge drink and sleep for days on end. What hurt the most, however, was the gaslighting; from a very young age, my mother insisted that she was NOT an alcoholic, and any report of her drinking to my father, upon his return, was a lie. She told me that my "lying" was the reason my father beat her (I never witnessed this and don't believe there was an issue of domestic violence- I think she was trying to keep her secret safe by any means necessary) and that if they divorced, it would be my fault.
The gaslighting resulted in both a very complicated relationship with my mom and, 20 years later, my dad's inability to fully grasp the depth and breadth of the abuse. When I tell him about it, it's all such a shock to him. He was bewildered when I told him I needed therapy. My father used to be a savior figure for me; he'd come home from work and "save me" from the neglect. As I've gotten older, though, I've become angry with the lifetime of obliviousness.
Anyway. Last week, I let a friend of my family bleach my hair at a discount. Didn't go well, I looked a mess. I ended up dropping $350 for color correction and although it was an expensive mistake to fix, I was extremely thankful to the very educated, informative stylist who helped me at such short notice, and I think she did beautiful work.
When I visited my parents shortly after, I overheard them discussing my alleged poor spending habits. For context, I am a debt-free young professional with my own apartment. I pay my own bills. I have never asked them for financial assistance since moving out after university graduation (Class of Covid ??). Still, my mother was gossiping like a teenager about me, going on indignantly about how she never colored her hair as a 20-something because she was too poor. I was so dismayed to hear my father agreeing. It's so bizarre that he continues to take her side after the decades of hurt. I don't plan to make luxurious color treatments a habit, and I live modestly, so this was painful.
I feel like the more I heal emotionally from my upbringing, the more I alienate myself from my family. I don't think they like me very much, honestly. Not in that affectionate, specific way. If they think I'm "kind" or "funny," etc, I have no idea. I know that my mother thinks I'm "snobby," "holier-than-thou," and "dramatic," and it's taken me a really long time-- oh my god, I'm crying-- to allow people to love me for being humble, empathetic and sensitive.
I lost my temper: I shouldn't have. I told them both they should spend less time gossiping about me and more time being thankful that I've had the wherewithal to escape the pattern of abuse that I was born into....that I'm not a poor waitress getting knocked up via a one-night stand with some traveling showman, and that I've managed to make a better life for myself, no thanks to them. I collected my things and left. So, that was really mean of me.
A week has gone by in silence, which is unusual for our family. I know I should apologize for my particular instance of outburst, but it just feels ridiculous when my entire upbringing is being largely ignored. It's really hard to face the reality that if stopped reaching out, and perhaps started reacting to poor treatment, I wouldn't hear from my family anymore.
Am I being incredibly selfish? Can you help me understand the situation, if I owe my parents an apology despite the ****-talking I overheard? I'm so confused, in general. I'm still learning how healthy, functional people are supposed to communicate with each other because I wasn't exposed to that sort of relationship, growing up. I am genuinely, wholeheartedly open to suggestions and I'd be thankful. I don't want to be toxic.
TLDR: I overheard my alcoholic mother and codependent father talking badly about me. I lashed out. I don't know how to navigate apologizing for an occasion to people who have hurt me over a lifetime, or if I should even bother.


Source.