Please, just tell me I'm going to die tonight

He was the biggest guy in the bar. Looked like a tough, no-nonsense brute. I made my move. Soon we were making out. He tasted like beer. I convinced him easily to come to my place. He had no reservations.
He tried to make conversation but I jumped on him as soon as we walked through the door. We scrambled into the bedroom and I had already gotten his shirt off. His arms were huge. He could lift me without much effort and do whatever he wanted. This was a man who did not have to ask for permission for anything.
“Tell me I’m gonna die tonight,†I said breathlessly.
“What?†He stopped touching me, suddenly concerned.
“Don’t stop. Just tell me I’m gonna die.â€
He held my arms away from him. “Hey, I don’t **** around with consent. I’m not going to hurt you or anything.â€
I stared at him in the face. “I want you to **** me and tell me I’m gonna get murdered tonight.â€
He thought about it for a second and then shrugged. “Whatever you want, baby.â€
I came twice before he did. And then finally, after the last threat of death passed his lips, I could fall asleep.

---

It was the same dream as it always was. Henry smiling, his ginger hair bright against the soft green of his eyes. He stretched his arm out, a clear invitation for me to curl next to him. The feeling of his skin was calming. He smelled faintly of mangoes. I couldn’t hear what he was saying but I could feel his hand stroking my side. He started at my ribs and then moved down to my hip. His fingers were firm. Loving. He laughed at something and used his other hand to caress my cheek.
There was a sound in the other room. My entire body was suddenly on fire with fear. What once was smooth was now bubbled with goosebumps. “What was that?!†I whispered. I was always so jumpy. The smallest noise scared me to my core.
Henry leaned down, his eyes level with mine. “It’s okay. You’re safe. No one is going to kill you tonight.â€
I sighed and closed my eyes, believing him truly and completely. I didn’t see the intruder as he slipped out of my closet.

---

I woke up before the bad happened. Luckily. I checked the time and felt a sense of ease. It was 7:15. Still time for a quick shower before work.
As I stretched my arms I bumped into something. ****, he was still here. I hated when they slept over.
“Hey, I have to get to work,†I said loudly, trying to find something to wear.
He sat up, rubbing his eyes. “No problem. I had fun last night.â€
“Yeah.†I found his clothes and tossed them over to him.
He laughed quietly. “Do you want my number, or is this a one time thing?â€
I sighed. “It’s not personal.â€
“Don’t worry, I’m cool.†He put his clothes on gently. He was actually quite handsome. And surprisingly nice for a bar guy. But it didn’t matter.
I turned the shower on to hurry him out. He walked over to me and grinned. “Can I at least get your name?â€
“Deanne,†I responded, dragging a brush through my hair.
“Pretty. My name is-â€
“No.†I stopped him with a hand on his mouth. “I don’t want to know.â€
“Alright. Have a good life, Deanne.â€
I waited until I heard him leave and then let out a long breath. Another night survived. Another guy gone. I stepped into the shower and began my daily ritual.
Sobbing.

---

My sister called me on the way to work. “I’m coming over tonight,†she informed me.
“No, I can’t. I have plans.â€
“And what plans are those? I know you haven’t been talking to Gloria or anyone else. You won’t see us and you’re isolating yourself. Tonight is important.â€
“Tonight is just like every other night.†I thought about hanging up on her.
“Dee, have you stopped seeing Dr. Ryan?â€
I didn’t respond. She knew the answer.
“I’m coming over tonight whether you want me to or not.â€
“Doesn’t my autonomy matter? Why is everyone so obsessed with making my decisions for me?â€
“Because it’s the year anniversary!â€
“Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think I have been thinking about this night for months? I want today to not exist. I want today to be erased from existence. But it can’t. I am the only one who really knows what I need. Everyone is trying to tell me what to do. You have no idea what my life is like.â€
“Dee…â€
“If you want to see me so bad, why don’t you stop by the coffee shop? You know where I work. You know where the house is. You could have come over any ****ing day but you choose tonight, the worst night of my life. I don’t want to see you.â€
“Okay...okay. Just please know I love you.â€
“I know you do.â€
The sound of the call ending was the best thing my sister could have given me.

---

The shop was quiet, which fit me perfectly. I leaned against the counter, staring at the strangers. A man was reading a newspaper. Two women were discussing their dating lives. A couple of teenagers were sitting silently on their phones. None of them knew me or what happened a year ago. I smiled for the first time that day.
The door opened and the small bell filled the shop with a tinkling sound. I tucked my hair back and moved in front of the register. Then I looked up.
Henry grinned. “I thought we could get lunch today.â€
The shop had dissipated and it was replaced with an office. My office. I was a lawyer again. Henry was holding a bouquet of daffodils. My throat was dry and nothing came out when I tried to talk.
“Come on, sugar. I promise it’ll be worth it.†He extended a hand. Hesitantly I took it, and the feeling of his skin was electric.
“Are you alive?†It wasn’t my voice, but it was what I wanted to say to him.
His smile made the room fill with sunlight. “I told you, you’re not going to die tonight.â€
Without warning his hand melted away from me. His eyes popped out of his head like two emeralds hanging by a thread. Blood filled his mouth. But he wouldn’t stop smiling. Henry spoke, his voice drowning in blood, “You’re safe.â€
“Deanne? Deanne, are you with me?â€
Slowly my eyes opened. My head roared with pain. After a few moments of confusion I frantically looked for Henry. “Where is he?!â€
“Where is who?†There was a woman. An EMT. She was touching my hand gently.
“My husband! Where is he? He was just here.â€
“Deanne, you’ve been in a car accident. There was no one else in the car with you but we can call your husband when we get to hospital.â€
I realized painfully that I was in an ambulance. Images came to me. Talking to my sister. Throwing the phone on the passenger seat. Seeing the distance from the highway to the road below. Turning the steering wheel. Barreling into the rails. Darkness.
“Deanne? Are you still with me? We will call you husband-â€
“Don’t bother,†I said quietly. Everything hurt. “He’s dead.â€

---

They wanted me to stay in the hospital, but once I was cleared of any broken bones I got out of there as fast as possible. Night was coming I had to find someone. I couldn’t break the ritual, especially not on the anniversary.
I ducked into the closest bar. It was pretty empty. Most of the men were already talking to someone, laughing and drinking. The only available guy was sitting at the bar. He was tall and lanky. Not my usual type. He had thin blond hair down to his ears. Not handsome in a traditional sense, but that didn’t matter. My standards were low.
“You look lonely,†I said, saddling up next to him.
He smiled. Clearly attractive women didn’t approach him often. “Not anymore.â€
“You want to get out of here?†I touched his arm, doing my best to look sexy and not miserable.
“Are you sure?†His voice cracked a bit.
“Come with me.†I lead him outside and into my car.
He chatted to me as we drove, trying to tell me more about himself. I tuned in and out. I had one mission. Get home, get the words, get this night over with. He laughed nervously as he told me that he never did this. I just nodded. My eyes were on the road.
As soon as we got inside the house my lips were on his. He was surprised, maybe a little scared, but he kissed me back as hard as he could. We made our way to the bedroom. I dragged my shirt over my head. He looked at me like he had never seen breasts before.
“You’re beautiful,†he whispered.
“Shut up,†I said between breaths, struggling to yank my bra off.
He gently unhooked the back and slipped the straps over my hands. It was then that he noticed the hospital bracelet. “Oh ****, are you ok?â€
I looked at the bracelet with annoyance. “Yeah, just an accident. I’m fine. Come on, take your pants off.â€
He paused. “You can talk to me, you know. I get that we don’t like, know each other but I am here for you.â€
His sweetness infuriated me. “I don’t want to talk, I want to ****.†I pushed him onto the bed.
He sat up, unhindered. “My name is Justin. Let’s just-â€
“I didn’t want to know your ****ing name!†My night was crumbling around me. Memories were creeping in.
“Look, I think you’re going through something. I’m just going to take an uber home.â€
My breath got heavier. Anger filled my veins. “No.â€
The intruder crept out of my closet. He was almost out the door when Henry saw him.
“No?†Justin’s voice was concerned. Next to loving.
“Tell me I’m going to die.â€
“What the ****?†He jumped off the bed. “Is this some weird kink or something?â€
Henry jumped off the bed. I could hear the sound of his bare feet against the floor. “Who the hell are you?â€
I rubbed my eyes, trying to get the pictures out of my head. “Please,†I begged. “Just tell me I’m going to die tonight.â€
Justin slowly came towards me. He wrapped his arms around me as though I were a tiny, breakable thing. Inside my mind, Henry slowly walked towards the intruder. There was a shot. Just one, that’s all it took. It ripped through Henry’s neck. His body was turned with the impact, his eyes on me one last time as he fell to the ground.
“It’s okay. You’re safe. No one is going to kill you tonight.†Henry said. No, Justin said.
I looked up at him. He smiled. “I promise, okay?â€
Without hesitation I pushed him away from me, trying to get as far as possible from the memories. Justin fell backward, arms flailing as his neck crunched against the side table. The room was silent. No breath came from either of us.
“Why?†I screamed at the intruder, tears filling my mouth.
He lingered for only a second. “Why not.†And then left.
They never caught him. There was no reason for him to be in our house. Authorities said he was probably a voyeur, trying to watch us having sex. If Henry had just let him leave he most likely would never have hurt either of us.
But Henry had to protect me. Keep me safe. Make sure I didn’t die that night.

---

I tucked Justin into bed. Blood covered his face and hair. I caressed his cheek, soft for the first time in a year. In this light, he looked like a redhead. “Henry,†I breathed quietly. I leaned over his body, touching any skin I could see. It was getting colder.
I put his arm around me. I imagined that he smelled faintly of mangoes. His dead hand on my hip felt loving. Strong.
“Say it again,†I said softly, my eyes drifting closed.
“It’s okay. You’re safe. No one is going to kill you tonight,†Henry whispered.
And finally, after those words of love were spoken, I was able to fall asleep.


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