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I [M29] found out my boyfriend [24M] of 4 months is homeless and made him come home with me - now wh (by Sparky)

 Sparky (0)  (30 / M-F / Massachusetts)
20-Dec-17 11:40 am
I [M29] found out my boyfriend [24M] of 4 months is homeless and made him come home with me - now what?

It's all in the title really. About two weeks ago I found out that the person I've been seeing since September has been relying on a mixture of friends, shelters and various all-night type spaces to keep a roof over his head at night since the spring, and when he hasn't been able to find that, he's just not had one. I genuinely had no idea. He's always been clean and tidy for our dates and very well put-together, and even had me pick him up from outside a specific house on a couple of occasions (I had noticed he never invited me in, but I assumed it was a house share and he just preferred not to and/or he wanted to keep a bit of distance between us). Then a couple of weeks ago I stumbled on him completely by accident as he was trying to sleep in a sheltered corner outside some shops.
I didn't really know what to do and I admit I got a bit upset (shocked and worried). We had a bit of an argument, he tried to deny it but it was pretty obvious so then he got angry and said he was 'fine', which I vehemently disagreed with (apart from anything else it was bloody freezing!) and told him in no uncertain terms that I'd pay for a hotel room or he could come home with me, but he was not staying outside on the ground (they were predicting snow FFS!). At that point he sort of deflated and agreed to come with me.
Anyway, got him home and he's been here ever since (that was the Monday before last). For the first few days, he was very sluggish (I get the feeling he pretty much just slept while I was at work and only got up and dressed just before I got home), but after that he perked up considerably. I've given him key and been leaving him cash, and been coming home to three course meals (he's a brilliant cook), fresh flowers on the table and a flat that's been cleaned to within an inch of its life. I've told him he doesn't need to do those things but he says he finds it 'therapeutic', so I haven't pressed it. I've found out a bit about how he ended up the way he was, it seems like your classic case of 'slipping through the cracks': Fled an abusive living situation with very little, lost his minimum wage job shortly afterwards and failed to find another so got kicked out of the room he was renting, has no contact with family and friends were sympathetic but not doing too much better themselves and not in a position to help much beyond letting him shower and wash his clothes sometimes. He's been getting by doing odd bits of work under the table, selling small crafts he makes with found items (he's very creative) and that sort of thing, which give him enough for the basic necessities 'most days'.
The thing is, I'm still not sure what happens now? Neither of us have brought up the situation since he came home with me, but I feel like it needs to be discussed. Part of my reluctance is that I'm finding I really like us like this. I like him being around, I like sharing space with him, and I think I'm probably in love with him. I would be happy if he wanted to keep living here and continue as we are. However, I'm also conscious that him being here is not entirely a choice. We were seeing each other regularly for a good couple of months before this and after the sluggishness of the first few days, he's seemed quite happy and chirpy, but it's still not the same as having the conversation and freely making the decision. If he wanted to move out somewhere I'd be prepared to help him with that too, I could lend/give him some money for a deposit on a room or something.
If he did decide to stay, we'd also have to figure something out regarding the money situation. He's been looking for work since he lost his last job but has so far had no luck, and he has been very reluctant to take any money for himself while he's been here. I've been leaving him cash and he's been spending it on groceries to feed us both, but he won't buy anything at all for himself, even really basic stuff, unless I'm there and buy it for him. That's really uncomfortable for me, and not the kind of dynamic I want with my partner. I'm in the fortunate position that I earn a good salary doing a job I enjoy and can comfortably support us both, which I'd happy to do for him/us, but I would need him to see it as a partnership situation, where we're both playing our strengths to support each other and the relationship and my strength just happens to bring in the green, rather than a situation where I'm in control of everything and generously bestowing basic necessities on him (like a toothpaste that he's not allergic to). I'm struggling to see how such a conversation can reasonably be had when he has so few practical options at the moment.
TL;DR: I found out the man I've been seeing for a couple of months was hopeless and more or less made him move in with me on an emergency basis two weeks ago. We haven't talked about it since and I think we need to, I'd like to make things more permanent but mostly I'd like to help him do whatever it is he wants. I don't know how to go about having that conversation in a way which doesn't feel like I hold all the cards.


Source.

 

 

 
 
 MrWalkSoftly (16)     (59 / M-F / Louisiana)
20-Dec-17 10:39 pm
Congrats on the maid/cook/lover?

 

 

 
 
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