UPDATE: (Previously) Struggling to date with invisible illness

Link to previous post: https://ud.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/585pwu/me\_25f\_struggling\_with\_dating\_with\_an\_invis ible/
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My last post 2 years ago about dating with health issues got quite a bit of attention (thank you Dating.mobi so much for the moral support and great advice, it really helped me feel less alone!)
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I was in two minds about whether to post an update here or not, but I know that when I was all cut up about my invisible illness affecting my dating life it was really hard to find success stories where people met their partners AFTER diagnosis. So I’m posting it just in case even one person in a similar situation gets the moral boost they need.
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2 years ago I was really struggling with both my mental and physical health. They both spiralled off each other (as invisible illnesses tend to do, unfortunately) and it was really hard for me to improve the home life situation that was definitely not helping matters. I love my grandparents to bits, and I’m very grateful for all the care they provided, but living in an isolated town in the middle of nowhere with only them for company made it very difficult to meet new people or do the few activities I’m still able to do.
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Moving to somewhere bigger and with a population closer to my age has definitely been a big factor in improved dating success. It sounds obvious, I know, but it’s not an easy thing to uproot when you’re disabled. But if you’re isolated and find it hard to meet people because there’s nothing to get out the house for, it’s such a boost in quality of life. Now there are places to go and do things/meet new people. There are actually people my own age there to meet!
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Meeting people in person also made it easier to have that conversation about my health more organically and casually; preferably after they’ve got to chat with me and know me a bit first too. Online dating works for some people, sure, but I think it’s way less stressful getting to know someone as a friend first and hang out in person without pressure instead of meeting up with a stranger and wondering whether you’ll even want to sit through the whole date (and stress is of course a health trigger). I know I certainly didn’t have the energy needed to sift through the numbers game that is online dating – I know some single friends who would have one good date for every ten or so dates through apps.
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I met my current boyfriend at a board games café. Somewhere I could get out, but that wasn’t too taxing (sitting down is a lot less taxing on my pain and fatigue than active sports for example). We got chatting, became friends pretty quickly. He was super oblivious to all my definitely-not-subtle flirting attempts, so at first I figured he just wasn’t interested (especially as he knew about my fibro). Turns out he was just very shy and not wanting to misread anything.
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We’ve talked about my health and he knows he can ask my any questions he wants about it. But honestly, he’s been really amazing and understanding about it in a way I never thought anyone would be. He pre-empts issues before they even have a chance to come up (noticing if the heating turns off too early and grabbing a blanket because he knows the cold makes me worse) and mentally plans out our time together around “Well if we do this on that day, we’ll have a chill day in the next day because you’ll be exhaustedâ€.
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It’s still relatively early days, but I wanted to let fellow spoonies know that there are people out there who don’t freak out at health conditions. There are so many support groups and articles online from the perspective of dating/married life when you’re already together and get the diagnosis, so someone’s already invested and supportive. The amount of times I’ve heard “I don’t know how I’d cope without my partner†has been so demoralising as a single person who struggled to find anyone.
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So, for anyone who’s going through a hard time right now with their health, or struggling with being single – don’t give up! Do everything you can to create opportunities for you to meet new people, or even just leave the house with friends and ask them to invite some of their friends you haven’t met yet. It’s scary, yes, and it might be a narrower scope on what you’re physically able to leave the house and do, but even something low key like going to the library, a café, a book club, etc is a good place to start.
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Tl;dr: After struggling with dating since my diagnosis of fibromyalgia, I’ve successfully been in a relationship for a couple of months now and am super happy about it!


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