[UPDATE] Me [26 F] with my BF [29 M] of 4 months, I don't know if I like him or if I'm settling

Original: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationshi...s_i_dont_know/
Hi everyone! I posted 3 months ago about a relationship I wasn't fulfilled/happy with. The tl;dr is basically, I got into a relationship I didn't think I wanted, but wanted to take it slow, felt like I should break up with him several times throughout the relationship despite not having a "reason," and in general going back and forth on caring for this guy but also feeling like it wasn't quite "right" and not seeing a future with him.
I had all of 3 people respond, but you guys sang true (as usual). That I shouldn't be with him. But since it's so hard to get a boyfriend where I am, and because I had such little self-worth (which was only worsening by being with someone I wasn't happy with because I felt I couldn't do better, perpetuating the low confidence even further), I decided to give it one last try.
I had originally posted in June. In July, I wrote out a script to break up with him, but the idea of it made me so sad after thinking about it for days and days that I finally gave up and said it'll be fine, I'll just keep going.
Narrator: It was not fine, and she could not keep going.
This guy was perfectly acceptable. Sweet, listened to me, cared for me. But there was no passion, there was no x-factor. There was no sexual chemistry. He was kind and nice and made himself available for him but being with him, I would realize later, was exhausting. I didn't want to make time for him, I felt like I didn't have enough time for myself. I felt selfish to keep him in my life as emotional support and little else. The sex was bad, passionless, and we only had sex like 9 times in the half year we were dating. No bueno.
Finally, at the end of August (two weeks or so ago), I called him up and broke it off. I told him he's wonderful (he is. He IS, that's what made this so hard), but I needed time to work on myself, I needed to be alone, and I just didn't see a future with us. Like everything in our relationship, he was receptive to it, said he was sad but he understood, he came by for a quick chat about it and he got his goodbye kiss and that was it.
I was sadder than I thought I would be. It wasn't like I didn't care for the guy. He treated me better than any man I've ever dated. But you just can't change the way you feel about people.
What really got me was how many hours and days and weeks I spent AGONIZING over whether or not I should break up with him. Even though I knew it wasn't right (somehow, my gut, my heart), I couldn't pull the trigger and wanted to keep trying, hoping the feelings would appear at some point. They didn't. And the fact that I wasn't sure about our relationship in the first place, and the fact that every month the same thoughts would resurface and make me wonder if I should be in the relationship at all, was proof that I shouldn't be in it.
So I'm writing to you all. If this resonates with anyone, know that you are not alone. I know how hard it is. You want so desperately to make the relationship work. Sometimes it's nobody's fault. It just wasn't meant to be. The feelings aren't there.
I was scared to be alone again. Scared to be sad and lonely. But you guys, I am doing better than I have in MONTHS. Since I started dating him, really. I am going to the gym 3-4 times a week, eating mindfully and healthily, I climbed a mountain this past weekend (and I can finally walk normally again today lol), I'm spending time with friends and devoting free-time to trying new recipes, doing kind things for my friends, meditating (shout out to the Calm app), and reading more. I am SO much happier. I didn't realize this would happen.
Even though those first few days were really hard, and I even thought I should call him up and call off the break-up and be like "this is fine, let's just keep going," and even though I cried a few nights about being alone, I got over it. I reminded myself how many times I had come to the same conclusion. I reminded myself that this year was about listening to myself when I was hungry and tired and responding to it and now it was time to learn to listen to my gut, which I had been ignoring since February when he had asked me to go steady.
I am okay. I will be okay. I can work on myself, be with the people I love and become the person I've always wanted to be. I am so happy to be where I am, alone, working on ME. So I can be ready when the right guy DOES come around.
Thanks for reading, and love to you all.
tl;dr, the first few days after the break-up made me sad and lonely as I expected, but I am doing better than ever, working on my physical and mental health, and am excited to get up every day rather than dreading being with someone I wasn't in love with. You guys, don't waste any more time. If you needed one, let this post be the sign you need to change something in your life. Put yourself first, listen to your gut, and never look back. xo


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