All Forums >> Love Corner >> Relationship Issues

I [27 F] am uncomfortable with my boyfriends [27 M] female friend (by Sparky)

 Sparky (0)  (29 / M-F / Massachusetts)
17-Mar-18 2:51 pm
I [27 F] am uncomfortable with my boyfriends [27 M] female friend

Me and my boyfriend “zeke†have been together 12 years and he is the love of my life.
When he was about 15 before we knew each other, he was in the same class as “olga†and they became friends for that 1 school year. At the end of the year she moved back to Australia where she is originally from, and they loose touch. Like 4 or so months ago, so around November of 2017, olga tracks down zekes sister on facebook to find out zekes phone number and they start talking.
Before I know it, they are texting, snapping and calling each other daily. Zeke has a fairly long commute to work daily. He is calling her almost every single day on the way to work (its after midnight her time) and on the way home. I can hear him in the driveway starting to ring her before he drives off. A few times she called him at odd hours of the night. She would send him snaps all throughout the day. I look at his phone (woops my bad) and he screenshotted about a dozen photos of olga that she sent him via snapchat. They are all selfies of her caked with a ton of makeup making cutsie faces sticking her tongue out with all sorts of filters over them and captions like “loving our talks.†Is this normal? Cause to me this is very odd and makes me uncomfortable. Also, she is married and has a very young child so its bizarre to me, and how does she have all this time? I tell him I’m uncomfortable at how often they are talking and that he saved those pics to his gallery. I am just not a person that takes selfies ever, so I guess I don’t understand the need to send him a selfie everyday, it seems like she wants attention.
Zeke said he understands and will tone it down a bit because he thinks it’s a bit much too. But it doesn’t change at all. Infact he saves a couple more photos to his phone. She sent one and said something like “haha im so full of myself.†Zeke tells me that he told olga that I don’t like her sending the pics and I think she is full of herself. I’m now upset that he tells her a private discussion we had, and I’m upset that she obviously didn’t care that it bothered me. I think spouse discussions or arguments should only be talked with between us, so I don’t think its appropriate convo they are having. The constant calling keeps going on and he even calls her when he is out drinking with his buddies on new years eve.
End of January, zeke tells me that olga booked a vacation to Canada and is coming here to see him and she is arriving 5 days before my birthday this April. They apparently planned it together but zeke just didn’t know what dates she would pick. She plans to fly in to ‘supercity’ which is 4 hours away from us and zeke is going to drive down to supercity and they are going to spend 4 days together there. After that they are driving back to our city and he in total booked 2 weeks vacation off from work, so he can spend time with her. I used to work at a hotel and have a bunch of points for free hotel nights and he signed into my account without me knowing and booked a 4 day stay in supercity before he even told me about this trip, and I only found out because I was sent an email.
She literally knows nobody else here, doesn’t have any family or friends here and there is LITERALLY nothing to do here at all, yet she spends all her savings for a three week long vacation to Canada. I am uncomfortable, and I told him I’m hurt that he would go behind my back and plan a trip like this without discussing it with me prior and how he booked a hotel on my account. It also cuts into my birthday plans we had together. We have a good talk and I say how I felt like this got out of hand. He told me he is sorry and thinks that its strange as well and it went so far so fast and he didn’t know how to tell her no and she booked the trip way sooner than he thought she would. Zeke says he won’t go down to supercity even if olga can’t cancel her trip. Zeke texts olga and tells her that he won’t be spending those 4 days in supercity with her because he feels a lot of pressure like the trip is all based around him. Olga texts him back and says he is ****ing everything up for her and ruining all her plans and she is so upset and stressed out. They talk on the phone a few days later when he is at work. He comes home and tells me that she cannot cancel her trip, so he is still going to supercity to pick her up from the airport. Now they aren’t spending 4 days there but are driving straight back to our city and he is bringing her to her air b&b. Zeke tells me it would be ****ty to not go and pick her up at the airport because Olgas family is expecting him to do it.
Now its mid march and the day she fly’s in is coming up at the beginning of April. This week they have talked everyday on the phone, snapped and texted and she sent him more pics. The week before they facetimed while he was at work and he’s been texting her while he’s at work. The whole thing is odd to me, and I feel like he doesn’t respect my feelings at all. I think its beyond strange to come all the way from Australia to the West coast of Canada to see someone you barely know and take all that time off work and travel without your family. He says I’m acting crazy and I’m being mean to her. He was mad at me and in the moment said he hated me. He has since apologized and said he didn’t meant it, but I would never do that to him. I just have a weird feeling that I can’t shake, and I am trying my best to deal with this, but I can’t seem to get over it. I feel like we should be able to share our feelings with our spouse and work it out together as a team like a partnership? He doesn’t feel the same and says he must make his own decisions. I do get that he is his own person but aren’t we supposed to have discussions together about decisions that affect us both. We have been together for 12 years and have built a life together. We are more than just dating. We own a home together, a car and have a dog together. If he ever told me he was uncomfortable with something I was doing I would make his feelings number 1.
I don’t know what to do and I need some outside perspective.
EDIT: Alot of people have been saying that he is planning to cheat on me. I don't think that's the case and I do trust that he wouldn't do that to me. He actually is a great boyfriend. The issue is i'm not okay with it regardless and we cant see eye to eye on this situation.
NEW EDIT: thanks everyone for your input. Much appreciated. I asked him to choose to cancel with her or breakup. He choose to breakup.
TL;DR: I am uncomfortable with the level of communication my boyfriend has with his female friend. I’m at the point where I am not listened to and just told “I am being crazy.†How do I get him to see where I’m coming from? Or am I just crazy?




Quick reply:


  • Be respectful at all times.
  • Be mature and act like an adult.
  • Respect different points of view.
  • Discuss ideas, not specific users.
  • Don't get personal.
  • No profanity.
  • No drama.
  • No thread hijacking.
  • No trolling.
  • No spamming.
  • No soliciting.
  • No duplicate posting.
  • No posting in the wrong section.
  • No posting of contact information.
  • Be welcoming to new users.
Repeated violations of the above will result in increasing temporary bans from the forum and an eventual permanent ban from the site. Basically, just be friendly and neighborly and all will be well.
Similar threads:
Give us feedback!


* Username:

* Password:

 Remember me