I just graduated from medical school, lived a long and challenging life, and came to the end of my path

The next Big Change was coming soon; it infused my thoughts like damp air whispering of a coming storm.
I thought I was ready for it, which proved that some lessons are never learned.
I had been quietly following Ellie through the same hallway that had drawn me in years earlier. On this particular day, though, she only noticed a familiar janitor haunting its walls. We?d both seen him periodically throughout the years, rarely talking and never aging.
This time, however, he looked right at her and spoke.
?It?s time to make a choice, Ellie,? he explained softly.
The most successful people are often seen as a breed apart, achieving lofty heights because they?re built of different stuff.
Dr. Afelis disproved this by dampening her pants as possibly the greatest moment of her life began to unfold. She didn?t think she was quite ready to be chief of medicine, which meant that it was time to start.
The janitor turned aside and looked toward a space in the wall that had only occasionally held a physical door. It stood there now, slightly ajar. The numbers were etched deeply into the wood, warped and worn like they had been there for years.
?Why does it say ?3191??? she asked.
He smiled sadly. ?It?s your opportunity to go backward.?
She was weak, which meant it was the moment with her greatest chance to achieve strength.
?Where does it lead?? she asked in a shaking voice.
?Rural Missouri,? he continued inexorably, ?far from any town. About thirty minutes away from Drisking.? He raised his eyebrows. ?But that?s not the real question, now is it??
She shut her eyes. ?When does it lead??
He waited until she was strong enough for eye contact before he continued. ?August 25th, 2005.?
She started to cry. ?Can it go any earlier??
?No,? he responded sharply.
?I?d have very little time to prepare.?
?The world turns on what people do with very little.?
She wiped her eyes, deciding if she was going to be strong or weak. ?Okay,? she responded, voice shaking, ?I need to go back.? She breathed deeply. ?I can be ready in a few days. Where will I find the door??
The janitor stood very still. ?Right here, right now.?
She flirted with weakness. ?No, no no no, I?m not ready this second. I need to prepare if my life is going to change.? She was losing the battle for herself, and had already been defeated in the ?don?t look like a mucusy mess? competition.
He folded his hands firmly. ?If you don?t go now, the door disappears. You?ll never see it again.?
She fell into a kneeling position. Though certain that she was ready to take over as chief of medicine, I was unimpressed in this moment.
?Okay,? she whimpered. ?Okay, I?ll go now.? She looked up. ?When I come back, will the world be different??
He was very quiet. Then, ?you can only come back the hard way, Ellie.?
That?s when I first became aware of the tears covering my own face.
?That was twenty-six years ago! I can?t lose that much of my life!?
He sighed. ?Yes, you can. People lose that much every day.?
I covered my mouth to hide the sobs.
?Will?? she stammered. ?I don?t understand? is my body going to reverse in age, or will I just look like this and die twenty-six years earlier??
I heaved, overpowered by great, silent crying, barely able to keep quiet.
?You don?t get any extra time, Ellie,? he continued in his commanding voice. ?Any year that you live twice takes away from what would have been.? He looked over at me, making direct eye contact. For the first time, he seemed absolutely demanding of obedience.
But he didn?t let her know I was there.
She dry heaved. ?But,? I gasped, ?but will it be like last time I went back? Or will I be able to change things now??
He smiled. I couldn?t tell if the expression was sad because it was happy, or happy because it was sad. ?The past will be yours to change as you decide. The world will be different as a result of your choices.?
She looked up, suddenly quite confident.
I melted to the floor.
?Ellie,? he pressed, ?you always knew that last part was true, right??
She finally sobbed. Loudly. I took the opportunity to let my own cries overlap hers.
For just a moment, they matched up perfectly.
She leaned forward, pressing her hands onto the ground. ?I need time to process this.?
?You don?t have time, and you don?t need it. Right now you have to step through that door or walk away forever.?
He reached out, grabbed the knob, and began to pull it shut.
We like to pretend that grave decisions take time, because it allows us to believe that deep thought changes our basest instincts. But we are our truest selves in short moments of high consequence.
She leapt up and squeezed through the door just as he closed it behind her. And when he immediately pulled it open again, there was no one on the other side.
We were alone. For the first time in twenty-six years, there weren?t two of me in the world, running parallel tracks on a journey that was neither pre-determined nor authored by our choices.
?You almost broke the moment,? he said while staring at the wooden frame. Then he turned to face me. ?She was the stronger one today.?
I looked up at him, the end of the story at hand, and wondered if I had really believed that the final scene was going to be more glorious than this.
?It doesn?t matter,? I huffed. ?It?s done now.? I looked away, wiped the tears and snot on my wrist, and walked past him.
?It does matter, Ellie. And it?s never done.?
I was glad to be facing away from him as I discovered that there were still tears left in reserve.
?Every person you failed and every person you saved don?t get to walk away from what you did here each day for twenty-six years.?
I attempted, unsuccessfully, to sniff all the snot from my upper lip back into my nose. ?Well, my story can be done, for better or worse or whatever.?
?Is that the side of the door you?re choosing?? There was a hint of something in his voice that I could not place. It stirred something between hope and fear in my chest, and I did not like the feeling. Slowly, I turned around to look at him.
The door was still ajar.
?Where does that door-?
?Not the right question.?
?When does that door-?
?Please don?t ask questions to which you already know the answers.?
The space between us froze with a crystalline energy that was both gorgeous and deadly.
?I?m an old woman. My story is finished.?
He shook his head. ?Stories don?t finish,? he continued, lips pressed together. ?Not when there are people still living the effects of what?s been written and unwritten.?
When I spoke again, my voice was very brittle, as though ready to splinter along its weakest edges. ?I tried to fight time. It took my whole life.? I took in a deep, trembling breath. ?I have nothing left to show for it.?
?You have your whole life to show for it,? he responded firmly. ?Every day will be lived. Whether you spend that in regret or happiness has no bearing on the passage of time. As long as you?re still breathing, it is impossible for a past decision to take your life.?
Another frozen moment came.
And then it passed.
?I?m 64 years old,? I responded wearily. ?It?s time for me to retire.?
I turned away from the janitor and the door, and I walked.
?Wait.?
I stopped, but did not turn back.
?You didn?t close the door.?
I remained facing away from him. ?There isn?t always a strong choice and a weak choice. Sometimes, simply making a decision is a sign of strength.?
?Well, then,? he responded with a hint of desperation, ?what are you going to do about this door??
I paused.
Then I walked away from Room 3191 ? but did not close the door behind me ? and headed down the hall to a place where I suspected that I was needed. Emergencies had a way of finding me.
If you don?t let the past go, then the past will never let go of you.

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